The mere thought induces waves of nausea and recoils of revulsion in newly single women all across the land. Now that I think about it, the distaste clearly isn’t limited to just women. Most single guys I know would prefer an infected scrotum to navigating the dysfunctional and sometimes treacherous waters of dating after the age of thirty. The bottom line is, it doesn’t matter if you’re packing a penis or a symmetrical set of feminine breasts – the general consensus is that post-divorce dating blows.

Or so some would say.

Call me cracked, but I’ve always enjoyed the dating scene. Though my bad boy days of pimpin’ and playin’ are behind me, there’s still nothing quite like sitting across the table from an intelligent and vibrant specimen of femininity. As a hot-blooded alpha male who adores women to my core, I believe every woman is a masterpiece in her own way. So to me, the process of getting to know someone new is like watching an artist paint a picture before my very eyes. At the beginning, each woman is an unknown – a blank canvas full of potential beauty and grace. As we get to know one another, brushstrokes appear on the canvas and a picture begins to form. Her character might be represented by brushstrokes of blue. Her personality, the addition of reds. Our compatibility might be a light shade of green, while her qualities are a soft blending of greys. If it all comes together in a ‘picture’ that pleases the eye, I’ll throw myself heart-and-soul into said masterpiece and give it my all.

That said, I haven’t dated much in the past year or two. Between finalizing my divorce, writing my first book and terrorizing the back roads of America from the chrome-studded seat of my custom Harley Davidson, I’ve had other priorities jumbling around in my helmetless head. But all that is about to change. I’ve recently decided it’s time to come in from the cold and begin a new chapter in Blood’s chronicles of female companionship. Said another way, I’m going to start dating again.

Now for those of you who just now decided to lock up your wives or hide your daughters, allow me to put your mind at ease. It’s a whole new Austin Blood on the scene this time around. Now that I’m older and thankfully just a little wiser, I’m a completely different man in many respects. Like most responsible adults, I no longer have the luxury of putting myself first or indulging the impulsive and sadistic whims that used to bring me so much joy. The blissful and carefree days of juvenile delinquency are long gone. Responsibility is my new mantra now and with this maturity comes a whole new set of priorities and considerations. Dating at age thirty, forty or fifty isn’t the same as when you’re younger. Or at least it shouldn’t be. So in commemoration of my upcoming foray back into the fray, I’m commencing this hard-hitting series on what I believe are the most important factors to consider when venturing forth into the sometimes inhospitable badlands of post-divorce dating. Henceforth, these factors shall be known as The DAD Factors.

So without further ado…

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Preamble

For most of my twenties, accountability and obligation were dirty words and as foreign to me as the concept of a stable relationship is to Taylor Swift. Hell, until I was twenty-five, I considered the day a success if I rolled out of bed before noon and managed to wash my nutsack. Things are a little different now. For starters, the Good Lord has blessed me with two precious little genetic replicas who count on me every day to provide for and protect them. I’ve long contended the single most important job of any parent is to raise happy and well-adjusted human beings. In this day and age, that can be a tall order. Kids today are mercilessly assaulted by a reckless and ever-present pop-culture serving up a rancid stew of sex, materialism and a narcissistic sense of entitlement. So to combat the societal wolves who lie waiting to snare our impressionable young ones at every turn, it is more important than ever that we as responsible parents do our best to create an environment of loving stability in our homes. This is especially important if their world has been rocked or destabilized by the specter of divorce. Which brings us to DAD Factor # 1…….

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It Ain’t All About You (Or Me)

Many divorcees emerge teary-eyed from the SplitsVille Tunnel with more emotional baggage than a cross-country Amtrak. Consequently, they aren’t always in the best frame of mind to make optimal decisions for themselves or their kids. But can you really blame them? Given that their entire existence has just been tossed in a high-speed mixer and blended on frappe, their fragile and vulnerable state is to be expected. Unfortunately, with the wounds of their marriage’s schism still bleeding profusely, many divorcees do the one thing they have absolutely no business doing….they haul ass straight into the arms and bed of damn near the first person who comes along. Virtually overnight, this new Romeo or Juliet becomes the most important person in the divorcees shattered world. Their savior. Their newfound messiah. Their own Personal Jesus. Someone to hear their prayers. Someone who cares.

Like the old saying goes, ‘Nothing helps get over the old, quite like the new.’

Be that as it may, this is a bad idea for so many reasons. Most notably, you’re not much good for someone else if you’re already an emotional liability yourself. And let’s face it, many divorcees are exactly that. I know I was for a time. So when you’re down and out, you need some time to heal. Time to sort things through and begin the process of making yourself whole again. But the average divorcee doesn’t think so. To them, healing can only be found in the arms of another. And as quickly as possible. So they commit one of the most egregious of all post-divorce sins….they place their new partner on the highest pedestal and then prioritize that relationship over every other. Oftentimes, including their relationship with their kids. We all know somebody like this. Someone who fools themselves into thinking it’s the right person, even if it’s the wrong person, just to have a warm body by their side.

Big mistake.

This is where DAD Factor # 1 comes into play. When it comes to dating after divorce, it ain’t all about you or me but it IS all about the kids. Specifically, what is best for them so that they come through the divorce with the least amount of scarring and disruption to their lives as possible. If you’re either going through or are recently divorced and want to give Junior a serious case of Posttraumatic Stress Disorder, start introducing your lovers or dates into his or her world. Then after you’ve facilitated the introductions, be sure and send me an email with your home address so I can come over and brain you with a cast iron skillet, Three-Stooges-style.

DONG!

Do your kids a favor and keep them in the dark about your love life. Both during and in the aftermath of the divorce. I’m talking total blackout. No exceptions, no deviations. If there’s one thing that raises Blood’s blood pressure to aneurysm-inducing levels, it’s watching supposedly mature adults act like emotionally-stunted, love-sick teenagers while their poor kids bear witness to mom or dad’s sideshow train-wreck of a dating life. Divorce is traumatic enough for kids without them seeing mom or dad getting their groove on with someone other than mom or dad too soon. Know what I mean?

So this begs the question….how long should someone wait before introducing a new romantic partner into their children’s world? I regularly counsel women on matters of divorce, so I’m asked this question on an almost daily basis. My response usually shocks the shit out of most people. I tell them a minimum of one year. That’s twelve months on the low end, folks. Frankly, the longer the better as far as I’m concerned.

Why a year?

Let’s be honest…the first six months to a year of virtually any romantic relationship is the euphoric and blissful honeymoon stage. Everyone is in love, on their best behavior and the stars and constellations are aligned. Guys aren’t yet butt barking and scratching their nuts at every turn and women are still shaving their legs and whisker biscuits for the benefit of all mankind. Everyone watches what they say and are generally as agreeable as they’ll ever be.

It’s a magical time.

Here’s the bottom line: You don’t really get to know someone until at least a year or more into the relationship. I don’t care what anyone says. It doesn’t matter if you’re welded to one another at the hip for the first six months…certain things only reveal themselves with the passing of time. You don’t truly begin the process of getting to know someone until some level of comfort sets in on both sides and masks begins to slip. That’s why with rare exception, the new Romeo or Juliet is largely an unknown. They haven’t stood the test of time. Or walked with you through trials and fire. They’re an unproven entity. With a future unknown where you are concerned. So why subject what is most precious to you in the entire world to even more uncertainty during an already uncertain time by introducing this person into your child’s life too soon? The answer is simple. If you have half a brain, you don’t.

So you can bet your sweet ass the Blood girls won’t be meeting the ladies anytime soon. No matter how amazing I think the woman may be. My daughters’ sense of stability and assuring them that they hold first place in my heart and mind is far more important than anything else to me at this point. In fact, just the other day, my nine-year-old affirmed for me the wisdom of this approach without even trying.

Upon hearing that, her beautiful little face broke into the biggest grin I’ve ever seen and lit up with a glow I’ll never forget. A glow borne of safety and security that she was still number one.

When it comes to dating after divorce, it’s all about what’s right for the kids, folks. Trust me on this one. They’ll thank you for it someday.

..

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Stay Tuned for D.A.D Factor; Part II – Coming June 2013

]]> http://www.austinblood.com/the-dating-chronicles-part1/feed/ 0 http://www.austinblood.com/romance-or-marriage/ http://www.austinblood.com/romance-or-marriage/#comments Wed, 15 May 2013 02:14:40 +0000 austinblood http://www.austinblood.com/?p=3741 Hi Austin, My husband and I have been married for four years and together for six. From the time we first started dating until about the one-year mark he was a total romantic. A real life Romeo. But now all that has changed. Now I have to fish for a compliment or ask if I look pretty before we go out. He doesn’t hold my hand and he doesn’t write anymore. No flowers. On the plus side, our relationship is strong and in the bedroom he’s amazing. Always making sure I’m pleasured first and when he’s not working, he’s home with the kids and me. I told him how I miss the romance and he said he would do better. He was ok for a couple weeks but now it’s back to the same. Am I expecting to much? Does romance always end when you get married? Nina

Nina,

My computer is already pinging off the hook with the sound of emails from women all over the world writing to ask me for your husband’s phone number. Let’s see….according to you, the two of you have a strong relationship, he’s amazing in bed, he always makes sure you’re satisfied first and when he’s not working he’s home spending time with you and the kids. Sounds like you have a pretty decent guy on your hands. But I think you knew that already. On the off chance you didn’t, pull up a chair and let’s chat, my friend.

Nina, I understand how important romance is to you. Believe me, I totally get it. And you’re in great company too. Women all over the world are captivated by the romantic ideals of happily-ever-after, knights-in-shining armor and true everlasting love. All you have to do is look at the success of television shows like The Bachelor and the stratospheric sales levels of books like the Harlequin romance novels to see how romance fascinates and enthralls women by the millions. And why shouldn’t it? The romantic aspect is one of the things that makes relationships between the sexes so enticing, exciting and appealing.

Where many people like yourself run into problems is they head into marriage under the illusion that the passion, romance, and excitement will last. Sadly, it doesn’t. At least not at the levels they’re used to. Ask anyone who’s been married for any length of time and they’ll tell you…things cool off. Substantially. It’s just a fact of life. Sure, you’ve got couples who manage to keep things spicy and hot over lengthy periods of time, but they’re the exception rather than the rule.

Nina, the unfiltered truth on your situation is that your Romeo has landed his Juliet. So I wouldn’t hold your breath waiting for him to sing you a sonnet of undying love while camped outside your bedroom balcony. The truth is that the Don Juan period of courtship only lasts so long. Ninety-nine percent of men, even the most romantic ones, only pull out the stops for as long as necessary in order to get the girl. Now I’m certainly not saying men don’t continue to be romantic after the courtship period, but no guy I’ve ever known dotes on his girl to the degree he did early on. As much as this may suck, it’s just a fact of life. This is a tough pill to swallow for many women. Especially women like yourself who are used to being treated more or less like romantic royalty.

Nina, while there’s obviously no guaranteed “fix” for your situation, here’s what I would do if I were you…

Become the change you want to see. By that I mean initiate a few ‘romantic’ moves yourself. Grab his hand or his butt when you’re walking together. Leave a note on his pillow. Scrawl a big message in bright red lipstick on the bathroom mirror that says, I love your huge d#ck! or, You were amazing in bed last night! Have fun with it. When you make it lighthearted and fun instead of obligatory on his part, there’s a high probability given what you’ve told me about your husband that he’ll reciprocate and you’ll get back some of the romance you’ve been looking for without even really having to try.

Nina, please understand your situation is representative of what happens in 99.9% of all relationships between the sexes. You didn’t do anything wrong and your guy certainly doesn’t love you any less. In fact, I’d say just the opposite is true as evidenced by what you’ve told me. But instead of showing his love for you with flowers and notes like he used to, he’s now showing that love in different, and some would say, more important ways.

Nina, I don’t want you to miss out on how beautiful your forest is because you’re focusing solely on a few of your favorite trees. Especially since it sounds like a beautiful forest indeed. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to go delete that slew of emails piling up from women trying to track down your Romeo.

All the best to you, Nina.

I’ve always thought children are kind of like poorly-timed bursts of flatulence. You can tolerate them if they’re your own, but other people’s are simply unbearable. So in commemoration of this and other challenges of motherhood, I am hereby tasking my pen to acknowledge moms everywhere for all that you do.

Being a mother is the ultimate thankless job. No one knows this better than you do. No sane woman goes into motherhood for the recognition since being a mom is all about selfless sacrifice. And let’s face it, kids can be a pain in the ass. And that pain starts well before you’re technically even a mother. Morning sickness, swollen feet, engorged fun-bags, stretch marks; the list goes on and on….

Then Junior pops out.

After that it’s an endless parade of fecal explosions, spit-ups, sleepless nights and infantile caterwauling. Then the fun REALLY begins…Round Two brings temper tantrums, a nearly-defunct sex life, and that ever-present swath of destruction in your formerly serene and organized abode.

But wait! There’s more!

Then the kids get a little older and you’re miraculously transformed from a toddler-doting slave into a ‘round-the-clock service consortium specializing in transportation, catering, counseling and all forms of discipline.

As if that weren’t enough, it’s not just your genetic replicas who test the limits of your sanity over the years. You’re pulled daily in a thousand different directions as you find yourself juggling some vexing combo of crazy boyfriends, nutty husbands, psycho exes, wacky in-laws, demanding bosses, catty girlfriends, and quite possibly all of the above. And that was just yesterday. If you’re a single mom or a stepmother, you’ve got it even tougher.

Yet somehow you ladies manage all these disparate elements of chaos with grace, patience and competence, the source of which shall forever remain a mystery to me. So on this Mother’s Day, on behalf of myself and legions of men everywhere, I think it’s important I articulate our appreciation for everything you do. Though we don’t often say it, the sacrifices you make for the children and ourselves is the glue that holds it all together; regardless of whether we share the same address or even the same last name. It is often said that behind every great man is an equally great woman and nowhere does this hold more true than when we’re talking about you. So thank you, Ladies. You are priceless in so many ways.

Now for those of you who think I’m nuts, imagine for just a moment a world without women where men are left to fend for ourselves……..

(Pause for Contemplation)

BWHA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA!!!

Happy Mother’s Day, Ladies.

A few minutes later, I received the following e-mail from a fan…

What a great question! How does a single girl do just that? After the great mystery of Why Am I Here?, the other cosmic riddle of the ages for legions of women young and old alike is how to capture and keep the attention of a good and decent man. So in recent weeks, I’ve given this question considerable thought and in doing so have reached far back into my sordid and chaotic past in the hopes of finding a lesson or two to help put this mystery to rest.

Just how does a woman blow a man’s mind?

After looking at all my relationships with women and what ultimately caused their demise, I have distilled the answer to this question down into one basic concept. Yes, just one. I’m a big believer that the answers to the questions we seek in life aren’t nearly as complicated as we often make them out to be. This concept, while theoretically simple, is one that often eludes many single women the vast majority of the time.

I call it, Complement not Complicate.

Now, before we go any further, let’s take a look at the finer points of the word, Complement. The words complement and compliment are frequently confused. Although pronounced alike, they have very different meanings. Complement, means ‘to add to something in a way that completes, enhances, or improves it,’ as in Christina’s slingback heels were the perfect complement to her black cocktail dress. Compliment, on the other hand, means ‘to admire and praise someone for something,’ as in Austin felt a stirring in his pants as he complimented Christina on her new pair of Stuart Weitzman slingback heels. For the purposes of this article, we will be referring to the word complement in the context of something that enhances or improves.

Whew! Now that we have that little grammatical unpleasantry out of the way, let’s take a quick look at a couple things that make men tick before I tell you how to blow a man’s mind using Complement not Complicate. This is critical since the better you understand the peculiar nature of the masculine cranial cavity, the better you can work things to your advantage. Thankfully, this isn’t difficult at all with Blood as your guide.

Fact #1: Most men are simple creatures by nature. Contrary to popular belief, what the average guy looks for in a woman isn’t all that complex. If you give him some respect, a little affection, space when he needs it and make sure to polish the one-eyed trouser snake occasionally, you’ll soothe the savage beast ninety-percent of the time.

Fact #2: Understand and internalize the fact that you ultimately can’t control or change a man. This is an irrefutable fact. You might think you can but you’ll only be fooling yourself. This means you can’t make a man love you. You can’t make him commit. You can’t make him spend more time with you and you certainly can’t make him more emotionally sensitive or more attentive to your needs. Hell, you can’t even make him call or text you if he doesn’t want to. In short, you can’t change much, if anything, about him at all. So for your own sanity, do yourself a favor and don’t even try. Now, sometimes you can elicit short-term behavioral changes by manipulating him but overall, people just don’t change unless they want to.

Period.

Speaking of manipulation, where most women run into problems is using various forms of antagonistic behavior to try and change a man’s actions when things aren’t going their way. I would imagine most of you ladies know what I’m talking about. I’m referring to all those lovely little sarcastic comments. The guilt trips. Pout parties. Whine productions and bitch fests. Ask any of your male friends and they’ll tell you – there’s no shortage of these boner killers in the average woman’s quiver.

To illustrate my point, check out the following list of common female complaints. Now in the interest of full disclosure, I will freely admit I have been blasted with every one of these by a woman with whom I was romantically involved; so in order to reproduce each complaint as it was originally communicated to yours truly, make sure to read the list with as much sarcasm, snark and snot-nosed condescension as you can possibly muster.

Gulp! Ready?

Here we go…

Lisa: “Austin! Ugh! Why can’t you be more like Jessica’s boyfriend? He treats her like a queen.”

Melissa: “Austin, you never ever bring me flowers anymore. You used to be so romantic.”

Kelly: “Austin, you spend more time with your friends than you do with me.”

Angela: “Well, well. If it isn’t the notorious Mr. Blood! Nice to FINALLY hear from you again. I thought you fell off the face of the earth…”

Jeanine: “Austin! I can’t believe you! I just saw the way you were talking to Kimberly. You are so flirty with my girlfriends!”

Wasn’t that fun? While this might not seem like a big deal, taking a sarcastic, whiny or critical approach like these ladies did with me is a guaranteed recipe for disaster when dealing with most men.

Here’s why…..

Criticism can be a tough pill to swallow even when it’s justified and done tactfully. Most people don’t handle condemnation well at all. This is especially true when you’re dealing with the fragile male ego. Men in particular hate being backed into a corner. There’s little we detest more than being put on the spot in a negative way. Every guy I know, myself included, would rather have his balls hot waxed than get blasted with another round of complaints about his behavior from a woman. So when women come at us with gems like the ones above, guys either instinctively withdraw or go on the offensive ourselves. Either way the results aren’t pretty. And we all know what happens next: things hit the skids faster than a date with Taylor Swift and both parties end up irritated, furious or worse.

Looking back, I feel for these ladies. I really do. Although they had the best of intentions, their approach was way off. Did Angela really think whining about me not calling her was going to make me call her more? Did Melissa truly believe giving me crap about not being romantic was going to make me more romantic? I don’t believe so. In both cases, I’d say the ladies were just frustrated and didn’t know how to voice it without complicating the situation. Assuming they truly wanted me to do things differently, their BIG mistake was using negativity to try and make it happen. Whether it was calling more often, being more romantic or spending more time together, these women were trying to get me to do things their way by changing my behavior. Remember what we said earlier about the low probability for success with this approach when using negativity?

Uh oh.

Sadly, most women use this tactic when things don’t go their way. If this sounds like you, please know this is a surefire recipe for disaster and will only alienate or anger a man further. Since I assume you’d rather blow his mind than be blown off, allow me to offer an alternative to the negative approach so many women take. What I’m suggesting can literally mean the difference between a life of harmony and happiness or a life of strife, conflict and isolation. Just ask the women who have figured it out. If being the woman of a man’s dreams isn’t important to you, then no problem – you can stop reading now. But if you’re truly interested in standing out from the crowd of complicating drama mamas, read on…

Ready?

In order to blow a man’s mind, you must be the one woman in his life who enhances, or complements, his days. And the easiest way to complement his days is to not complicate them with this type of behavior.

It’s really that simple.

This point is so critical I’ll say it again:

The easiest way to complement a man’s days is to not complicate them.

Now this might seem overly simple but don’t make the mistake of confusing simplicity with effectiveness. Oftentimes the solutions to life’s biggest challenges are quite simple in nature. This is one of those times.

In order to put Complement not Complicate into practice, I’d like you to ask yourself a few things. Ask the following questions every time you’re getting ready to interact with a guy you would like to keep around for awhile….

• Am I getting ready to complement or complicate the situation right now?
• Is my approach here going to make things better or worse?
• Will the words about to come out of my mouth just piss him off? Cause him to withdraw?

Now I live in the real world so I know this can be a tall order. Especially when you’re angry or hurt. But what’s the alternative? Making an issue over things you can’t control or change anyways? That makes no sense. All you’ll do is frustrate yourself, piss him off and up the odds that you’ll remain single. Unfortunately, many single women NEVER learn this lesson. Instead, they bitch, pout, whine and complicate their way through relationship after failed relationship all the while complaining about how there aren’t any decent guys left. Trust me, Lady. There are plenty of decent guys left. They’re just hauling ass in the other direction away from you.

Every day I receive emails from women all over the world asking for my advice on this very topic. While each woman’s situation is unique, the stories themselves are very much the same. They can’t meet a decent guy. They’re a magnet for jerks. They can’t get the guy they’re with to commit. Always the bridesmaid and never the bride. You get my point. If this sounds like you, be honest with yourself and ask why that’s the case. You may not like hearing it, but I would wager there’s a high probability you complicate more than you complement.

Now before we go any further let me make something explicitly clear: This is NOT about women rolling over and letting men rule the roost. Not even close. Nor is this some misguided misogynistic notion whereby women keep quiet for the sake of getting along. You’ll never hear such senseless drivel from me. If you’re even remotely familiar with my work, you know I am first and foremost an advocate for women everywhere. Consequently, I’ll be the first to admit my penis-packin’ brethren and I probably deserve epic beat-downs for some of the stunts we put you ladies through. No doubt about it. Between our trademarked insensitivity, annoying habits and propensity for random bursts of colon-scented air, it’s a wonder you ladies haven’t killed us in our sleep. So believe me when I tell you this is NOT about playing nice for the sake of getting along. This is purely about helping you understand what makes a man tick and then using that knowledge to your advantage.

Here’s how it works…..

Women who complement rather than complicate are the ones who have figured out how to beat men at our own game. Most are relatively confident, secure women who realize they are basically dealing with boys stuck in men’s bodies more than half the time. Hence, they don’t get their panties wadded in a bunch every time a guy says or does the wrong thing. They know that just like children, men will forever say and do the wrong thing. It’s just the way of the world. They also understand attacking or putting a man on the spot in a negative way is the worst thing they can do if they are trying to win or maintain his affection. So they save their battles for the things that matter most. Most importantly, they realize NO amount of sarcasm, complaining, cattiness, nagging, pettiness or other complicating behaviors help them stand out from the crowd. These women are wise enough to know complicating things for a man in this way will only send him running in the opposite direction.

Someone brilliant once said, the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result. Yet that’s exactly what millions of women do every day in their interactions with men. Without even realizing it, they bring all sorts of complicating behavior and drama into men’s lives then wonder why they get blown off, sidelined and eventually dumped. This is precisely why I’m addressing this hot button topic. As someone who counsels and advocates for women every day, it saddens me to watch smart and successful ladies repeat entirely avoidable mistakes and then pay for it with broken hearts and failed relationships.

This article only begins to scratch the surface of the ways incorporating Complement not Complicate into a relationship can be beneficial. The great part is there is a massive upside to incorporating even small amounts of this concept into your dealings with men. Even if you only do it part of the time, I can guarantee you will be absolutely amazed at the positive impact it will have on the way you are perceived. Once you learn to pick your battles and minimize negativity in areas you can’t control, your entire aura will change and men will gravitate towards you in ways you can’t even begin to imagine. Trust me on this one.

Remember ladies, men like women who genuinely make them feel good about themselves. It’s human nature to gravitate towards people who make our lives easier, not harder. Speaking for myself, I will always choose the woman who complicates my life the least. As far as I’m concerned, she can be a perfect ‘10’ in every other area but if she unnecessarily complicates things for me, she’s history.

While this article focuses on single women in the dating scene or in new relationships, the concept of Complement not Complicate is universally applicable. It doesn’t matter whether you’re a man or a woman, single or dating, married or divorced. Anytime we minimize negativity over things we can’t control, we substantially elevate the quality of our relationships across the board. For me, learning to roll my eyes and laugh at the absurdity of human behavior has always been cheaper than therapy and a hundred times more effective.

Won’t you join me……?

Hi Austin. I have a question.  My husband cheated on me and it only lasted 4 months. He said it was only sex and he never loved her.  I want to believe when he tells me it was a mistake and it will never happen again. Can I trust him again? What do you think? Tanya

Tanya,

Lisa,

I get some variation of this question on a daily basis, so please know that you’re far from alone on this one.

Every healthy relationship needs to be rooted in mutual respect, admiration and trust. That said, yours unfortunately sounds like a recipe for disaster. You have two huge problems right off the bat. First, your pussy-hound of a fiancé has already proven he’s willing to cheat on you. Second, the fact he keeps his phone close to him is probably all the confirmation you need. Short of you walking in on him with another woman, I don’t know what other kind of sign you want.

Lisa, like a lot of men, I’ve been untrue to some of my partners. I’m not proud of it, but it’s something I did and I can’t change the past. But the best thing about having a reformed bad boy like myself as an advocate for women is I know every trick in the book guys use. Hell, my ex-wife might even tell you I wrote the damn book. But you know what? I wouldn’t trade my experiences for all the tea in China. Without them, I wouldn’t have the wisdom and knowledge to help others like I do.

You mentioned your fiancé is keeping his cell phone close to him and says you need to trust him for your marriage to work. This is a classic Manipulation 101 stunt. It’s the same trick I’ve used several times myself.

Listen to this story……

When I was younger, I was dating Kelly and Ashley at the same time, neither of whom knew about the other. One evening Kelly confronted me and told me she suspected I was dating someone else. With my back literally and figuratively up against the wall, I did exactly what your fiancé and so many guys do when they find themselves in a jam….we manipulate the situation and lie our asses off at any cost.

I first unloaded on Kelly telling her she was incredibly insecure and that she needed to get a grip. Then I ripped into her saying I couldn’t believe after all the time we had spent together that she actually had the audacity to suggest I was dating another woman. I finished my rant by telling her she was free to walk out the door if that’s what she really believed. I even pointed at the door. Can you believe that?? What a dick I used to be. I fired with the weight of a two-ton manipulation hammer while making her feel like an absolute jerk for daring to question me. And guess what? It worked. Even though she was no wilting flower, Kelly ended up apologizing later that night as so many women often do. How awful is that? And to add insult to injury…less than twelve hours later I was deep inside Ashley, thereby proving Kelly’s suspicion.

Lisa, as I mentioned earlier, every healthy relationship needs to be rooted in mutual respect, admiration and trust. There is very little, if any, trust in this relationship from what I can see. The fact you feel the need to look through your fiancés phone should tell you everything you need to know. Please learn from the wisdom of my experience and don’t play the fool by continuing the relationship if your gut is telling you something isn’t right. Because like Kelly, even if you ask, it’s unlikely you’ll get the truth from him.

Despite its off-color beginnings and the words that comprise the acronym itself, the general consensus is the term MILF has evolved beyond its literal meaning and into a complimentary way of acknowledging the sensuality of a woman in her thirties and beyond. Thanks to television shows like Cougartown and The Real Housewives series, the term has permeated the lexicon of pop culture and helped shape the stereotypes of the beautiful state I call home. That said, one stereotype that definitely holds true is that California is a mecca for beautiful women. Fortunately for me, one such woman is my good friend, Lauren. One of the best things about Lauren is that she’s a forty-year-old mother of three. I’ve long contended a great many women grow more attractive as they age. Both inside and out.

Several weeks ago, Lauren and I went to a popular restaurant in Los Angeles. It was Ladies Night and the place was overflowing with feminine physical perfection; eighty percent of it under the age of twenty-five. Forget about the standard double take, these women were dressed-to-kill triple takes who make Kim Kardashian look like the north end of a southbound mule. Unfortunately, as Lauren and I quickly learned after some conversation with several of them at the bar, most of these ladies also matched Miss Kardashian in the intelligence department. Present company excluded, I’d be surprised if the combined intelligence quotient of those assembled could power a sixty watt bulb. Yet none of this mattered to the throngs of middle-age men who descended on these young women like packs of ravenous wolves.

Picture this scenario: Balding, middle-aged guys jockeying for the attention of young twenty-somethings, all the while ignoring the older, albeit no less beautiful women assembled at the bar just a few feet away. The scene reminded me of a beehive with all the activity focused on a few queens to the exclusion of everything else. I couldn’t help but chuckle as I observed this half-baked courting ritual in full effect. These guys clearly had their heads up their asses. It was all I could do to stop myself from pulling them aside to say,

“What the hell is wrong with you guys? The crown jewels in this joint are the mature women, my friends…not some barely legal half-wit who thinks the SAT test is something performed on a chair. Now get your asses over here and let’s talk to some real women….”

How I wish I had done something like that.

There’s something about a woman over the age of thirty that sets every fiber of my being ablaze with desire. Like a fine wine, I believe many women only get better with time. As a man who’s had the great privilege to love, ravish and adore a variety of women in my lifetime, I can tell you with absolute certainty that an older woman can stimulate both my loins and intellect in ways no college coed could ever dream. Who gives a shit about a few extra stretch marks or breasts that aren’t as perky as they once were? What these women supposedly “lack” according to the standards of our vain and youth-obsessed culture, they more than make up for in confidence, intellect and experience.

This is by no means an affront to the younger generation of women. They are after all, the feminine finery of the future. But most younger women haven’t yet had the opportunity to absorb the wisdom and knowledge learned primarily through years spent in the trenches of life. And it is this experience, my friend, why older women kick ass over their younger counterparts in almost every way imaginable.

It’s her complete and total lack of sexual inhibition as I ravish her into a sweaty mess of tangled limbs and tousled hair. It goes without saying that a young, hot body is nice, but it pales in comparison to the self-assured sensuality and confidence of a woman in her sexual prime.

And let’s not forget the depth of her intellect that can stimulate me for hours on end. This is without question the most important factor in my own personal law of attraction. Personally, I’d rather be punched in the testicles than endure even sixty seconds of the mindless yammering typical of the average twenty-something. Unlike the middle-aged cock jockeys in the story above, I can’t fathom for even a moment why some men my age find ditzy younger women so appealing given the alternative. It’s a quintessential example of style over substance. Count me out of that mind-numbing sausage fest, I’ll take brains before beauty ten times out of ten.

All in all, a mature woman’s quiet self-assurance in who she has become is the ultimate aphrodisiac. Like the cliffs that grace a rocky shoreline, many a woman’s life is shaped by the gale force winds of marriage, children, heartache and loss. Somewhere in the stormy chaos of a life built around serving others, many of these women sadly lose themselves. Fortunately for men like myself, they also find themselves again. The return path they blaze refines and shapes them like a master craftsman honing his finest art. What emerges on the other end is often another woman entirely. A stronger, wiser and deeper woman; borne of the trials and tribulations of modern life.

And that’s something no younger woman can ever hope to rival.

I swear on my Granny’s grave there’s no doubt the good Lord gave me kids as payback for my forty-year reign as CEO of Troublemakers, Inc. Blessing a reformed bad boy like me with two beautiful daughters is proof positive that Queen Karma not only exists, but that she loves retribution. No doubt at this very moment, God and the Queen are throwing back tequila shots in the clouds and laughing it up at my coming plight…..

The plight of a newly single father.

When I was married, I thrived in the role of fatherhood… but with a catch. Everything was on my terms. When it came to bedtime stories, the occasional bubble bath or championship pillow fights, I was Father of the Year. Ice cream before dinner? No problem! South Park for my 3-year-old? Why not? It’s a cartoon, isn’t it? As a married man, fatherhood seemed to be a breeze. Of course in retrospect, the only breeze around my house was me breezing out the door when the going got tough.

So much for Father of the Year.

I remember coming home after a long day of work to the same old scene time and time again….the interior of my beautiful home laid-to-waste courtesy of my genetic replicas. Despite having just arrived home themselves, my girls could create scenes of devastation on par with Hurricane Katrina in sixty seconds flat. Walking through the front door, my tired eyes witnessed a swath of destruction that surely must have contained every toy, book and crayon color known to man. And as if that weren’t enough, I could always count on my delicate eardrums being mercilessly assaulted with the combined cacophony of pots and pans set to a backdrop of The Wiggles theme song. Yet somehow, the amazing female brave enough to take my last name took it all in stride while her husband damn near had a meltdown of nuclear proportions.

Because of scenes like this, my desire for escape at the end of the day was stronger than that of a death-row inmate incarcerated on Alcatraz. Like a lot of guys, I could often be found locked behind the doors of my home office, praying to The Fates that my family would leave me alone. But this escape would inevitably saddle my long-suffering wife with a disproportionate share of the childcare responsibilities. Particularly, the less-than-glamorous bits. Not cool. For me, if the task in question involved baby backwash, juvenile fecal matter, whining, complaining or any number of other unpleasantries, I did my best to disappear faster than virginity on prom night. Because I worked a corporate job all day, I justified my vanishing act by rationalizing that a mother’s job description couldn’t possibly be as draining or taxing as mine.

I have never been more wrong.

Now that I’m a single dad and my ex-wife isn’t around all the time like she was during the blissful days of yore, I have a whole new level of respect and admiration for mothers and caretakers of every sort. I am now wholeheartedly convinced there is no more noble or selfless job in the entire world than that of a responsible, attentive and loving mother. Men like to joke about women being the weaker sex, but the joke’s on us, fellas…..there aren’t many men alive who can manage a household, earn an income and juggle family responsibilities with a fraction of the combined competence a woman can.

As proof of my point…yesterday, it took me over an hour to make two grilled cheese sandwiches and a bowl of tomato soup for my girls. In typical Blood fashion, I somehow managed to turn what should have been a simple dinnertime ritual into an Act of God. Emeril Lagasse would no doubt have fired me on the spot. BAM! Between boil overs, plumes of black smoke and a litany of four-letter obscenities, I proceeded to annihilate every piece of cookware within a ten-foot radius. When I was done, my kitchen looked like the cross between a double homicide and the aftermath of an F5 tornado. I’m still flabbergasted the fire department or SWAT team never showed up. Unlike me, my ex could cook a gourmet meal with a baby on her hip while talking on her phone and simultaneously helping my oldest daughter with her homework. Hell, I’m lucky if I can shit and fart at the same time!

I have to admit, prior to being a single dad, I never gave women the credit they deserved for their contributions in the role of motherhood. I took my ex-wife’s abilities for granted since I had NO idea it was this much work. Now that I’m on the hook for cleaning up after, negotiating with, and chauffeuring around two blonde chicks with as much of an attitude problem as their old man, I tip my hat to women all across the world. For a guy like me, it takes being on my own to realize what an amazing set of abilities many mothers intuitively and naturally possess. Compassion, attentiveness and patience are merely the start. Take it from a guy who’s recently learned the hard way; being a responsible, loving caretaker or mother is easily one of the most underrated yet important jobs in the world. For this reason, the nurturing instinct with which many women are blessed deserves to be cherished and validated at every opportunity. Because fifty years from now, it won’t matter what kind of car we drove or what the balance in our bank account was but there’s a high probability the world will be a better place because a woman was important in the life of a child.

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