Friends With Benefits?
Hi Austin – I’ve had two FWB relationships in the past few years. The sex was spectacular, but I developed feelings for both men. They didn’t feel the same and moved on to other women. This week, my new FWB ended things—he stopped calling and won’t respond to my texts. Austin, how do you feel about FWBs, and how can women like me who crave love and validation avoid sabotaging themselves by accepting these arrangements? – Kristy
Hey Kristy…
The infamous Friends With Benefits conundrum, huh?
On the surface, it has all the makings of the perfect coupling. Two sex-crossed lovers, lots of slam dancing and zero strings attached. After all, this isn’t courting… it’s copulating. That means the guy gets to slowly peel away the lace from that dreamy whisker biscuit despite the fact he probably won’t be taking this chick home to mom.
For the girl, she still gets that much-needed bang on the bathroom floor despite the fact he isn’t exactly her type. Which is one reason she’s there in the first place, right?
Precisely.
Who cares if he’s always broke or passes more gas than a fleet of Chevron trucks? To her, he’s a damn fine lay and to him it’s a match made in nookie heaven.
Everyone gets what they need.
If only it were that simple.
The truth is, a friends with benefits arrangement almost never works out the way you want it to. Anytime you introduce sex into the picture you complicate things. In theory, everyone should remain friends while sweating each other up against the wall, but the reality is much more complex. We’re emotional creatures by nature and sex is the ultimate emotional act.
Even if you don’t think so, your soul knows better.
Don’t think so?
Then picture this scenario…
You’re lying naked with your bang bro in the throes of post-orgasmic bliss. You’re a smart woman so know that men are never more honest than in the microseconds following a release of Grade-A baby batter but even so, you’re hardly prepared for what comes next.
Your toes have just finished uncurling when he casually mentions that he and a co-worker shared a few drinks and an intimate kiss a few nights earlier at a local bar.
Against your better judgement, but with your ‘friend’ hat firmly atop your head, you press him for more details. It isn’t long before you learn he spent the evening at her place.
No big deal right?
Wrong!
All of a sudden, you’re awash in sea of conflicting emotions. On one hand, you don’t care. On the other, you’re absolutely raging but don’t really know why. It shouldn’t matter, should it? After all, you’re just friends…..
Unfortunately, this happens ALL the time when two ‘friends’ hook up.
Someone eventually develops an emotional attachment, a sense of entitlement, or starts romanticizing the relationship into something it isn’t. When this happens, the ‘friends’ thing vanishes faster than virginity on prom night and it becomes exactly the type of complication you were hoping to avoid in the first place.
Ironic, huh?
Kristy, a friends with benefits deal is the ultimate consolation prize… nothing more.
It’s a great way to scratch that itch by hangin’ and bangin’ until something better comes along. But what happens when something better comes along for him and not for you? Or the other way around?
Therein lies the problem.
Someone always gets the shaft. It’s funny how quickly the whole ‘friends’ thing can evaporate when people start feeling used, jilted or otherwise slighted.
My advice?
Do NOT be the woman who longingly pines for more.
Said another way, don't even THINK about getting emotionally involved.
Looking for love in the arms of your boink buddy is a fool’s quest. If that’s your goal, it can only end badly for you.
A man might tell you the time isn’t right or that he’s too busy for a relationship, but you and I both know that’s a load of crap. 💩 What he’s REALLY telling you is you’re not Mrs. Right… you’re Miss Right now.
The bottom line to all this?
Think like a man on this one.
Don’t view ANY FWB arrangement as anything other than pure, unbridled carnal pleasure. Beyond that, you’re only asking for trouble and one horrible heartache. 💔
And THAT, is The Unfiltered Truth, my friend.
P.S. — If you've tried everything and nothing is working, it's not because you're broken. It's because no one's shown you how to break the cycle of dysfunction. I do exactly that in my free masterclass, Find The Commitment You Deserve. You Can Watch It Here
